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"Life's Bitches"

7/29/02

Missed opportunities are missing pieces in the puzzle of your life. Iíve discovered that lately. Things you should have done or things you should not have done are sometimes the things that should have been. Even when we were kids I felt that we were connected somehow, even though I didnít want to admit it; after all, boys still had cooties back then. But now I realize I had the greatest opportunity, possibly of my entire young life, and naturally I tossed it away. I donít regret what I did back then; I still truly believe I needed that time off. Everyone needs to find him or herself one day. That was my day. I guess I just wish I hadnít been so harsh. But what was there to do in that situation? No one can really be happy with another person until they know who they are and are comfortable with what they are, right?

So what about what happened later? Should that have happened? I donít think so, but Iím not sure. Fate can be really screwed up sometimes. But what would have happened if I had just taken the other job? I never would have met the other one, and none of this would have ever happened. But I still donít know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing yet. Maybe we were supposed to meet. Maybe I was meant to learn a lesson out of it or something, I donít know. But if we hadnít met, if I had just taken the other job, I think that I would be with the guy that I truly thought was my soulmate. Maybe he still is. Maybe he never was. Maybe he used to be, but time has changed him into someone completely different. Iíll believe that one. He definitely isnít the guy I fell in love with years ago. Heís harsher, and less caring. But that could just be a front. So why am I still head over heals for him? Why do I still carry his picture in my wallet in front of all my other friendsí pictures even though we hardly even talk or see each other anymore? Why do I occasionally find myself wanting to go to his work place or favorite hangout spot just to see him for a little while? And why most of all, does the mere thought of him make me want to break down into tears?

I realize that I really hurt him, and I am very sorry about that, I truly am. But it was a long time ago. If heís trying to get back at me for that, it worked. But if that is in fact what he is doing, then is it worth it? Is he worth it? I mean, I donít even know who he is anymore, heís changed so much. But so have I, probably even more than he has. I doubt Iím the same person he fell in love with, and maybe he sees that, too. So I guess I really shouldnít even be complaining but I just donít know what to do. Iím tired of sitting around and waiting to see what he will do.

If I had just taken the other damn job, none of this crap would have happened. I would have never met the other one. He never would have ďinfluencedĒ me the way he did. Still, do I completely regret ever meeting him? Iím really not sure yet. There are parts that I definitely regret: all the crap he put me through, all the heartache, the deceit. But there were also the good things: the way he would look at me, how he would hold me in his arms until I fell asleep, the way everyone around us could tell how much we truly cared about each other. But I think that I miss the relationship we had more than I actually miss him. I loved him; I really did. But now that I look back on it, I wonder if it was a forced love. I did love him, but he wasnít my first love. And things happened with him that I really donít think should have happened with him.

I think that all the good things that DID happen with him should have happened with the first one, and all the bad things that happened never should have happened at all. But itís becoming clear to me that I canít go back. I canít simply start over with the one that I really want to be with; it seems he wonít allow it. And as much as I want to change the past, I realize that it is set in stone.

Iím also realizing that time is a bitch. It changes the people that we never wanted to change, and keeps the ones that really needed to be changed the same. I heard somewhere, ďDonít worry, for no one dies a virgin. Life screws all.Ē Iím beginning to believe that, too. Itís funny how much your beliefs can change in less than a year. I used to think that love was the greatest thing in the world. I thought that it was the purpose in life to find the one you love and cherish and spend your life with them. Well, thatís another one that has come crashing down on top of me. Love is a bitch, too. Love kills. Just as much as it can keep people alive, it can also drag them down to the depths of a living hell. I know someone who married his high school sweetheartÖ while still in high school. They divorced two years later at the decision of the ďsweetheart.Ē So, at the ripe age of nineteen, he set out find his life. Now, at the age of fifty-two, heís still looking for someone that he can love as much as he STILL loves the sweetheart. Thatís right, he still loves her. He canít get over her and he doesnít want to get over her. He wants her back and has wanted her back for decades. But what about her? Well, sheís been married for twenty or so years to a rich guy (naturally), is supposedly happy, has kids, and, oh yeah, couldnít care less about the guy that cares so much about her, and has cared about her since the day they met. He is still alone. Now isnít that heart warming? His story should go in the next edition of ďChicken Soup for the Soul.Ē Like I said, love is a bitch.

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